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The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse. 
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....
Spell SWIMS upside down... this is going to blow your mind!
Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.
when I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY
You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.
The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"
#LADIES!, Wanna know if your man cheating ? Snatch his phone run in the bathroom if he try to kick the door down "You aren't the only one"
if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.
Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.
Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.
2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up
my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!
So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...
I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.
I can't stop drinking about you.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!' 