Funny Status Messages

   Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn.

   Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...

   not to be outdone, Brett Favre announced that he will make his decision in an ESPN mini-series

   My dad gave me a set of golf clubs and wants me to try them out... currently waiting for someone to break into my house

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   heard, that Facebook is developing new application, that will show where your friends are, at the time of writing......that is stupid, because I know they are all at work

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see.

   Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry.

   Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   If your uncle jack is stuck on your roof ; would you help your Uncle Jack Off?