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Judging from the ads that constantly besiege us, I guess TV execs think that the only ones home watching TV during the day are injured at work, sick from a recalled medication, or unemployed with an abundance of gold jewelry. 
Nobody says “long story short” unless it's already too late…
I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.
If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.
When in roam, watch out for those hidden charges...
It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts...
The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.
Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!
I have the same body I've always had. Adjusted for inflation, of course...
I've never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Am I the only 1 who cheers 4 the grape soda in the Kool-Aid commercials?
If your uncle jack is stuck on your roof ; would you help your Uncle Jack Off?
Saving alot on my car insurance by deciding to drive without it...
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
making his stand at Thermopylae.
luckily for some adults, illiteracy is not a crime.
just completed Step 1) Cut a hole in a box. 