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GERMAN. Scientist "I've created super broccoli to fight heart disease"... U.S. Scientist "I've created a way to stuff an oreo inside another oreo" 
As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"
Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?
I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
you ever had a job where you would just sit on the toilet just to kill time?
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company's Board of Directors.
Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.
Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you're here on Facebook?
It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"
Karma: the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism: the ability to sit back, enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.
While driving I listen to my music fairly loud until the minute I can't find something I'm looking for. Then there must be complete silence in order for me to see. 