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According to my nipples, summer is over 
I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.
When two confused strangers come together they call it love, and when they fully know and understand each other, they call it breakup.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...
Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.
Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!
“Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"
My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..
The problem is not that OBESITY runs in the family.The problem is that NOBODY runs in the family
I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.
The best stories ever told always end with the words"...and then I got the hell out of there."
I hate those þènîs enhancement emails. I got 10 today. Eight of them were from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mom that really hurt my feelings.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?
A person automatically becomes ten times more attractive when you find out they like you!!!
Hey, I have an idea. Instead of complaining about your auto-correct every day, how about going into your settings & turning it off?
I will name him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and pet him !!
I wish there was a "roll my eyes" button on Facebook. 