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people will believe anything if you whisper it. 
What happened to Swine Flu?
its time for you to go now..you've been there to support me and when I couldn't control myself you took the load in your stride, but now after 7 years you've become just too damn clingy....goodbye my sweet little Spiderman underpants...I will miss you
Whenever people are speaking a different language in front of me, I automatically assume they're talking about me and give them a dirty look just to let them know I'm on to them.
has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."
..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button
Dear twilight fans : Please realise that cause Vampires are dead, and have no blood pumpin through them, they can never get an erection ! Enjoy fantasizing about that !!
there are two kinds of facebook friends... the kind on FarmVille and the kind you like.
wondering why when the best actors are chosen by actors it is called the Oscars, but when the best actors are chosen by regular people it is called an election.
A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
only adding friends that Facebook suggests. If Facebook doesn't think you're worthy of his friendship, X doesn't either !!
drinks too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-shirts at the Gap right now.
There's something incredibly beautiful about a woman that doesn't realize she's incredibly beautiful.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you
The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.
I never would've noticed that you removed me as a friend, until you tried to add me back.
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do
I'm astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension. 