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Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4. 
Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.
Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower
My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.
I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.
I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.
those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.
the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.
Sochi Olympic officials announce construction is complete and the facilities are now ready......
To my future kids: You'll start off with a flip phone. Idgaf if the iPhone 15 is out by then, you're gonna know the struggle.
How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???
If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
: Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.
I'm pretending to be hungover today, so nobody at work gets the wrong impression of me...the last thing I want to be labled is a responsible adult...
I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!
You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing..... 