Funny Status Messages

   Just some helpful advice.. If someone shows up at your job with a camera crew and says they are doing a documentary about your job... you're probably on an episode of Undercover Boss..

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   I don't drink about you anymore.

   This is my cup of care \_/ oh look, IT'S F**KING EMPTY.

   It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

   : Am I the only one who sat in class during high school and imagined what I would do to people if I could stop time?

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   I am thankful for the hide feature on FB.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   Dont you hate it when you realize you have to take a $hit right after you shower

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   My dog was barking at the back door and my wife was yelling at the front door. I always let the dog in first because at least its shuts up when it gets in the house.

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.

   I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

   FACT: Some people will steal your stuff and then help you look for it.