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The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone. 
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.
Thanksgiving is almost here.Dont forget to stock up your medicine cabinet with marbles, for all your sneaky relatives.
So the Chantix commercial says to call your doctor immediately if you experience a siezure...Is it just me or would it be pretty difficult to pick up the phone and dial while shaking violently?
Debt doesn't buy happiness either.
a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes
I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.
You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.
The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.
Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.
I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal
Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.
Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday. 