Funny Status Messages

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.

   The Walking Dead could have saved a ton of money if they would have filmed in Detroit due to the fact It looks like a herd of walkers already walked through it.

   You sure do seem to know a lot about love and relationships for someone who spends 22 hours a day on Facebook.

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   Ugh,,, This oatmeal tastes like It's gonna need a donut.

   I've learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.

   To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.

   The Olympics start tomorrow...or should we refer to it as The Hunger Games? Rabid Dogs running loose, Water not fit to drink, corrupt politicians, Security threats, Just surviving will get you a Gold Medal

   Sorry I said "at least it's healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Women are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?

   ...Thinking of getting a government grant to study ... Why flies can get in your car so easy, but can’t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.