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How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine. 
the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!
dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****
I found out today that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and is planning to go back to using her real name, "Danny DeVito"
A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.
When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!
ever look at your old pillow without its case? Looks like a civil war bandage. Do our heads ooze syrup when we sleep?
..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...
The people who deserve nothing, are handed everything.
DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for things I may say or do in other people's dreams.
If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!
To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?
you know you've had too much to drink when you try to fax someone a fruit rollup.
I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.
Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut... The f*cking idiot just shaved my pubes off.
Do you ever walk toward automatic sliding opening doors, hold your hand up, and as they open think, maybe, just maybe, the force is with you today??
I wish memories were like text messages so we could delete the ones we dont like & keep the special ones forever. 