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I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going. 
Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.
I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right. Tomorrow I'm going to try three.
My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.
It is so nice that so many people have learned the golden rule "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". The unfortunate part is... no one talks to anyone anymore!
If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.
now a days...all the little rascals would have been removed from their homes and the parents would be facing neglect charges
Mark Zuckerberg is 28 today and is worth $100B. Reminds me of when I was 28 and was able to purchase groceries without selling plasma.
Oh lord, give me patience and inner peace because if you give me strength, I might just punch somebody in the face.
If you're going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Has that kid in the Dreamworks logo even caught a single fish yet?
Congress just passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another....In other words, my trip out of town for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting.
The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.
Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.
Facebook reminds me daily how moving out of my hometown was a great idea
so.... I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits....Okay....a booklet....FINE....a sticky note then....Whatever....
video game logic: Everyone worse than me is a noob. Everyone better than me has no life
If you're going to stalk me at least notice when I'm running low on toilet paper & change the roll.
I remember as a teenager I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even have the ringer on. 