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Sooo, the real moral of Rudolph's story is that no one will like you until you have something they want or need? Now that's the Christmas spirit! 
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Never wear a G-string backwards while doing jumping jacks........ and I don't want to talk about this anymore...
I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.
New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's going to get your paychecks.
They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.
HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !
They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.
When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
The uneasy moment when you are having a conversation in your head & you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
The only appropriate time to yell out "I HAVE DIARRHEA!", is when you're playing scrabble. Because it's worth a whole load of points.
So today I think I'm going to entertain my kids with a good game of duct, duct, tape.
Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"
If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"
thinks its time to clean out the handbag, I just put it on the passenger seat of my car and the seat belt light came on!
When someone says, "Facebook is stupid." what they really mean is "I don't know how to use a computer."
Uh oh...just saw the little devil from my left shoulder drop kick the little angel off my right shoulder a minute ago...this can't be good.
Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off. 