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wished I could teach you.... but you cant teach "awesomeness," so just hang out in the back and watch me work! 
Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.
My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...
Did Greek sculptors make their subjects stand outside in the cold, or have penises just gotten a lot bigger since the ancient times? Either way, trips to the museum always boost my ego."
Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.
One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.
If you hated taking quizzes in school, why the hell are you doing them on Facebook......and putting them on my News Feed?
I will never forget what my dear old Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket.He said, "Sarah... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
I've never lost a water balloon fight since I started freezing the water balloons beforehand.
as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.
If I can make you laugh with a Facebook Status... Imagine what I could do if we met at a bar.
I just gave a cow $5 and it didn't do anything. Cow tipping isn't as much fun as everyone says it is!!
Is it just me or do those red foil wrapped Hershey's kisses taste almost identical to the silver foil Hershey's kisses? I'll keep testing.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.
Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"
Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.
So.. your changing your iPhone 4 just for a half inch?? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can't figure out how to escape with all the windows down?
It's a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone. 