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I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?” 
Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.
Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor
I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....
My ex called to say that she hates me and wished I was dead, also to ask if I needed anything from the liquor store.
The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.
come from a long line of people who ruin things.
I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.
Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.
Complicate your life by telling people how you really feel.
Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"
"Can all those mourners outside Amy Whinehouse's house please form a line......its what she would've wanted!"
you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth
I don't hate people, I just feel better when they're not around.
I wrote you a song, man was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Bar Skank"
What is this "growing up" thing and how do I avoid it?
Dear Bad Luck ….. Let's break up.
Women: the only problem I don't mind "wrestling" with.
Never under estimate the predictability of stupidity.
Today's challenge! Walk with the parade and wave, and make people wonder who you are. 