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I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas. Why don't they tell you these things in advance? 
[first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."
informs you that contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name
feeling a few fries short of a happy meal today. . .
playing russian roulette with Robert DeNiro. Damn he's good.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Over dramatic people make me want to go on grand theft auto style rampages
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials
Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.
Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...
That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....
I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.
I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.
This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. 