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I'd stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff. 
We didn't take a video recording of our child's birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
I Just watched guy put a wheel barrow in his shopping cart at the Home Depot.... *I'm just going to let that sit here and sink in.*
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?
An organization can be famous for being a bad example.
Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.
You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!
I also refuse to turn the beat around........
Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.
1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me
My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.
This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...
Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.
Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.
If you leave a bottle of Ritalin inside a Ford Fiesta it will become a Ford Focus.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol. 