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My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too. 
A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
Kate is officially a milf
Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.
Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.
Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"
I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.
Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.
Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.
Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.
To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.
Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell. 