Funny Status Messages

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.

   There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".