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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help 
Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".
For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.
Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.
Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.
Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.
It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.
If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI
wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.
wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?"
If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak.
loves the smell of Friday in the morning, it smells like... WEEKEND.
Hopefully Paris Hilton never becomes a vampire. Sure she loves the nightlife, but she'll go nuts not being able to see her refection every 10 minutes.
Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...
If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.
Could I borrow your face for Halloween? 