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Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them. 
there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.
I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.
Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….
So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair
When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.
Never run after a bus or a woman....There will always be another.
"Let me put it simply. You can't find out who sees your profile. You won't win Southwest Airlines tickets. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free iPads. And you can't see the video of Osama's death.. Not on
My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening
How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their WiFi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.
Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay. 