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A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender" I'll have..........a beer." The bartender says" What's with the huge pause?" The bear shrugs and says "I was born with them". 
There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care
Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.
Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open
Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.
I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get it together, every other vegetable
My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.
"No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners
I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
Keeping your job is the new raise
If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
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