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If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the L.A. Zoo.. 
I have never understood why advertisers feel the need to show you extreme close-up shots in dog and cat food commercials. Its not like we are the ones eating it?!?!
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing brings two people together like the mutual hatred of another person.
I need a redbull & a nap..
Homonyms: a reel waist of thyme.
Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.
Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.
finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.
asking, If Facebook didn't exist, What would you be doing right now????????????????? (Answers below)
Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!
"you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit
when you're in a hole, it's best to stop digging
I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that, cuz I'm modest.
Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.
hopes that when the machines rise up against humanity, his toaster remembers all the good times.
If I place a call that is being recorded for quality assurance and training purposes, I make sure to say mother%#&@er alot.
OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?
I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence.
Don't you love when people tell you 'don't tell anyone' the next day, after you told people. 