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Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale... 
You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.
If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.
If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.
■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.
Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.
I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."
My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.
I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?
I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.
Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.
By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.
There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804
What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!
Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.
I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving! 