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I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked. 
Snooki's due date is December 21st, 2012. Well played, Mayans...well played.
Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby
I was voted most likely to travel back in time by the class of 2047
Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.
Pretty much all of the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
I'm so ugly the kids gave me candy when they came to my door.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don't slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I don't care what you listened to on spotify.
I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.
At home: I want to go out, I want friends. When I go out: I want to go home, I hate people.
Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.
You know you are a Facebook Drama Queen when you post pics of yourself crying.
I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!
Why is Facebook going public? They couldn't figure out the privacy settings either?
it's funny how gas can drop $10.00 a barrel and the price at the pump stays the same for a week or so, but if it goes up a dollar the price at the pump jumps right away.. that's just F'd up, if you ask me.
Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.
I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned
I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber. 