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I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot. 
This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
how many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare, just so you can roll over and punch them in the head
May the blessings of the new year pass me by and find someone less fortunate. My life is not perfect but I have no reason to complain. I am lucky to have what I have.
At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."
"I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.
What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill
It's amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people's mistakes.
And on the 21st Day of May... God said.. Hahahahahhahah!
Hey Harold Camping, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world...
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.
That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.
I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.
im about this close from being that far away..
the rejection you feel when the automatic doors dont open for you.. 