Funny Status Messages

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.

   Next years Superbowl has been changed to Motel 6. They'll leave the lights on.

   call-in sick every morning to somewhere you don't work

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage?... This status.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   How come girl's sweatpants always say things like Juicy, Bootylicious and Fresh. They never say accurate things like Sad,Menstruating or Cellulite

   It's not the size of the ship nor the motion in the ocean...it's whether the Captain can stay in port long enough for all the passengers to get off..

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   everyone was clapping for me when I got off the plane...I bet those military guys behind me were jealous.

   I have always been told to never say "never." On that note, never get into a food fight with cannibals and never be caught dead with a necrophilac.

   "Sometimes the unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's just a donkey with a plunger on its face."