Funny Status Messages

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   Just saw a girl in a plain push wheelchair holding on to her guy's motorized wheelchair and rolling behind him. Dude, she's using you.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   When I was little I used to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up in bed, now I pass out on the sofa and wake up on the floor.

   ‎"It's God's job to forgive Bin Laden. It was our job to arrange the meeting." - United States Navy SEALS

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   I Spent the last 30 minutes trying to trim my side burns and am now sporting a nice mohawk..

   Everyone has the power to make someone else happy. Some do it by entering the room, while others do it by leaving.

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   This new layout has me more confused than a cow on astroturf.

   I'm not saying she was stupid, but I asked her how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'

   I went to the store today to buy a bag of air. To my surprise there were a couple doritos in it.

   I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...