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I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band". 
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?
My favourite childhood memory...not paying bills
Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?
Shout out to the knife for always having my back.
I'm the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Wow......this is turning out to be the best year Mark Sanchez has ever had in the NFL
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
If you're not part of the solution, you may be part of the team I work for...
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
[wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong
Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.
I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time. 