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You show me a giant stuffed hippopotamus at a Wal-Mart and I'd NEVER even consider buying it. But at the local county fair... I'll spend every last penny I have to be the bad ass walking to my car with it. 
If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy
Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?
When I win the $118.8 Million cash prize tonight I'm not going to quit work, but I am going to see just how long it takes me to get fired.
Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.
Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.
I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.
Dear shaving commercials: please stop shaving hairless legs. If you want to impress us, try shaving a gorilla.
Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...
Time to photoshop my life Touch up the edges, adjust the tones,blur out the background, focus on me, and crop people out...
Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?
Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.
The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?
My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.
Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time! 