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Dear other countries, we can't explain Jersey Shore's popularity either. 
I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?
Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an damn App for that. It's called "respect".
- I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
I like to walk around the fair with a giant stuffed animal I brought from home, ‘cause I need people to think I'm a winner.
You don't have to like me. I'm not a facebook status.
Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.
You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.
Things that must stop - Women drawing on their eyebrows and having to go to the bathroom just to change expressions.
In real life, I never know when danger is coming because the music doesn't change.
Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect.
Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...
My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.
I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: 'last warning, you have a week to get the money together.'
my internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.
There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text. 