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My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will. 
No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore
Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?
I dont see your silence as a punishment, I accept it as a gift, Thankyou.!!.
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
The only people that don't make mistakes are those that aren't doing anything
Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!
Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!
i bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to 'use current location'...
According to ABC news the mission to assassinate Osama Bin Laden was carried out by a unit so secret their existence cannot be verified....THE A-TEAM IS BACK!
All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.
I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on
If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?
If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color. 