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Year 2050 Son: "Dad,how did you meet mom?" Dad: "Aaah my son..... it all started with a friend request on facebook." 
going to win the lotterey tonight...no sorry, got that wrong! Going to have sex with my wife. I get them confused as the odds are pretty much the same
Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..
My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.
Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.
The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...
If I could live my life over again, I'd do everything the same. Except for that time I sh*t my pants in 3rd grade.
WWII Vet goes up to a Occupy Movement protester and says "When I was your age I was occupying France fighting Nazis"
If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.
Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."
My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"
Facebook allows me to see what my life would look like if I had married my girlfriend that I had in my 20s. - Dodged a bullet there.
Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.
Guys socialize by making fun of each other, but they don't mean it. Girls socialize by giving compliments to each other but they don't meant it either.
New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.
If you don't use 1:11, 2:22 or 3:33 when starting the microwave you have yet to unlock my level of laziness.
Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...
If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●
A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...
Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls. 