Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   I woke up this morning with a hospital arm-band on containing all the information off my fake I.D. WTF did we do last night!?!?

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   Next year we should just skip to 2013. Problem solved and a cool story for the history books.

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   A woman in Wisconsin named her child Marijuana Pepsi Cola Jackson. Proof that Aliens will not be invading us, because there is no intelligent life on this planet.

   I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.

   Snooki's pregnant? Wow, that's gotta be tough. I don't think they even make balloons with "Congratulations! It's a Cocaine Addict!" on them.

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

   Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Life doesn't come with instructions, so why live as if it also comes with rules?