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There are some people in this world... When they ask you for advice because they did something wrong... You just wanna say " If I were you... I would just go ahead and punch myself in the face for being that stupid to begin with..." 
Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.
If drinking destroys your memories...what does drinking do?
Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.
Remember when MTV used to play music?
Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?
The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.
thinks Charlie Sheen should change the name of his TV show to "2 1/2 Grams & A Hooker"
ladies, what's with the puckered lips in your pics?? it doens't make you look any hotter..
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?
Alright, Captain Morgan, I'll make you a deal....I'll stop drinking when you put your foot down.
Penny for your thoughts... a dollar if you flash me.
To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
Schizophrenic...and So am I
Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''
Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms. 