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That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you. 
If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...
Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!
Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."
Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.
People that wear sunglasses inside, have to.......because it's always sunny in Doucheville.
I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.
People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.
Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....
Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!
I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes,a sports utility vehicle,travel 1000 miles to a lake,to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!
Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.
I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.
Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money? 