Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?

   Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullsh!t.

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.