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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong. 
Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.
Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.
It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.
Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations
Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.
It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.
That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.
Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
French toast is just toast that's surrendered.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant? 