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has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?! 
Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.
The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."
noticed that all the girls from his year at school that thought they were too good for me are now either fat, ugly or a frieky combination of the 2. Funny how the tables have turned.
says that nothing is IMPOSSIBLE, the word itself says I'M POSSIBLE !
thinks we should keep the Earth clean. It's not Uranus.
You know you're getting old when Happy hour is your nap.
taking a train to the land of make believe
more confused than a baby in a topless bar.
Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?
Ready for my new work out video ABS of BEER!
I have my own way of doing things... generally clumsy and usually late.
They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?
Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.
Here's a list of nine bands Stevie Wonder has seen and One that's fake..see if you can guess. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.Blind Melon 9. 10.
Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option?
According to my neighbor's rooster this morning it was 5am. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked 