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For the first time since 1945, the Scripps National Spelling Bee has been cancul... cancill... cansi... called off. 
Neighbor's python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD. He's a cold hearted snake.
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.
Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE
It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too
Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
French toast is just toast that's surrendered.
Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
My phone has better health insurance than I do.
Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.
Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?
The winds of change can blow me.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :( 