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My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube. 
Do you enjoy interacting with people?” “Nope” “Great, you’re hired!” – DMV interview process.
John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.
"Don't be shy, send that 12th unanswered text." --Tequila
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I'd turn the radio down.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it's like the trash took itself out.
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
They should really considered remaking "Back To The Future 2" where there aren't any flying cars. And people just stare at their phones all day getting easily offended to everything they read....
If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.
Dear New Year New Me People; You don't have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.
My relationship with scotch has been on the rocks lately.
Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."
Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
the last time I visitied a gym I was being graded on it
It's such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV 