Funny Status Messages

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   You know as soon as my ''Swear Jar'' gets full, I'm going to use the money to get a Fking Puppy!!!

   It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   Did you mean ASK or axe? 'Cause seriously, one is a murder weapon.