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Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid." 
How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.
Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..
Wonders why people stare at you when they catch you talking to yourself...EXCUSE ME but I'm having a conversation here!!!
Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.
I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...
95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders
The awkward moment when one of your friends has the same facebook status as you...Damn this page.. they are onto me!
I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.
Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!
Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives
if youre gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.
I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
thinking that if you have to advertise that you are a princess across your ass, odds are you are probably not
*<]:{ > Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don't get it backwards like you did last year [:p
There's a knock at my door. Jehovah's Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, "Now what?" He says, "I dunno...I never got this far."
1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.
Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon. 