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I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!" 
I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.
There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.
Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
I'm pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before.
I'm not good in relationships.My last relationship ended when I didn't open the car door for her. Instead I just swam up to the surface.
.I hate it when celebrities get on TV and tell us to donate to some fund… B!tch, you make 12 million a movie & I make $12/hr. You send money..
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
well...I can't afford a breast lift. Suppose I could pierce my nipples and wear a magnet around my neck!!
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge
starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD, & if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead
Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".
He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I have learned one thing since joining Facebook - I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.
I figured out why I'm fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "For Extra Volume and Body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish soap. It says "Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove". 