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If I have a erection lasting 4 hours i'm not calling a doctor...I'm calling a film crew! 
According to a recent survey, 86 percent of people say that they have at least one annoying coworker. The remaining 14 percent don't realize that they are the annoying coworker.
as Vice-President of Toyota I would like to say please dial 1800-our-bad.
the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say.
Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.
I was asked if I liked blowing bubbles... but I am not sure. Who is Bubbles?!
Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...
You can't have a relationship without any fights, but you can make your relationship worth the fight.
Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.
The secret to a great relationship...Argue Naked!
this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better
Went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, and he came out with a sandwich bag. Note to self: New best friend
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"
You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.
Football ~ The legal way to buy a nigggaa.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes... 