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My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me. 
Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
Revenge is a dish best served eventually
It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.
can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?
Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..
Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?
whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .
Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".
If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it
Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade
Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year. 