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Meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Wednesday because this is bulls**t." 
I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pi*sed. Not my fault they don't have Windows.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you havent pissed in 8 hrs
you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.
Lady GAGA was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she's at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny's Grand Slam.
"Just kidding" is just an excuse to not get in trouble for something that you really wanted to say all along.
I'm not that vain, but that song is about me.
Before you get married try walking with your partner through IKEA. If you don't end up in an argument, you're good to go.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."
I picked up one of those counterfeit money detector pens. You should see the expression on the clerks face when I use it to check all change they give me from my twenty that they checked with their detector pen.
When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.
Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.
A 90 year old cashier in the speedy checkout lane.... Good move Walmart.
Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.
I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs. 