Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack. 
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...
Amber Alert, but for the TV remote
HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.
Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it
I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.
1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.
If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.
[shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening
As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.
WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.
Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many! 