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When someone comments on an old picture, your first thought is, "Wow I forgot about this! Thanks for the comment." immediately before this thought: "Why was this person looking through ALL my photos??" 
Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.
Why does the 30 minutes before work go by so fast, causing me to be late. But the last 30 minutes go by slow, causing me to be pissed off.
-- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !
I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.
Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.
Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?
9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!
A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.
Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.
It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.
Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.
Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice
I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape? 