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Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly. 
Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?
9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!
A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.
Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.
It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.
Im starting to believe that PMS stands for - penis must suffer :(
, I asked my husband: "Do you want dinner?" My husband said, "Sure, what are my choices?" I said, "Yes or no."
wonders if Lil' Wayne will hear "lick it like a lollipop, son" now that he's in jail.
My husband and I have never considered divorce...murder sometimes, but never divorce.
making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions
-- My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said..... "We need to talk about our future."..... I said, "Yeah, it's gonna be f***ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"...Needless to say - I'm now f***ing single !
I don't need to make better choices, I need better things to choose FROM.
It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.
Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks. 