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If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass. 
How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?
When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.
not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.
Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.
you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.
If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Never buy a car you can't push.
I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.
"Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things, a backwards P and an upside down 4.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :) 