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Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..." 
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,
I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.
Sorry for nicking your car with my door, but you didn't leave much room. It's small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Let's lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
My son said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like "That won't work you idiot. Go get my umbrella".
Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles
If being successful was an amusement park, I'd be the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can't get out.
It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her
So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....
Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.
sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”
If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful
Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.
Forget everything you know about amnesia. 