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Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad. 
Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.
Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...
Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!
Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"
Just sprayed "Sheer White Cotton" air freshener in the bathroom. Now, it smells like sheet.
Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.
How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.
What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.
I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.
Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.
George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."
I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.
Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.
I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy
Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.
Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."
Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema. 