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woke up and thought his alarm clock was laughing out loud at him... Then I realized I was looking at it upside down, it was 7:07 
For all of you out there you are so infatuated with Olympic Curling, be sure to check your local listings for the Paint Drying World Championships later this year.
You can become rich, achieve high social standing, hold multiple degrees, and still be an idiot.
What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer
I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.
I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.
If you turn down the car radio, hang up the cell phone and remove you head from your ass you might just notice the emergence vehicle with it's emergency lights flashing and siren blaring trying to get a destination that's more important than yours.
I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".
If you don't want to know what a 67 year old man from backwoods Louisiana thinks, maybe you shouldn't ask him.
What if they keep the name Redskins, but change the mascot to a potato....
Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited
You play the victim so well, I'm surprise you don't carry around your own piece of chalk.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
The best thing about Valentine's Day is that it's over.
Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites. 