lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   Valentines day. Where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

   ..is wearing an Arnold Schwartzenegger costume for Halloween..and with a mouthful of candy,she will sound just like him!

   I lost my phone for an hour. The day I lost my 5 year-old neice at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   This little piggy went to market.This little piggy stayed at home.This little piggy had roast beef.This little piggy had none.And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

   Found the Muffin Man on Facebook. If he accepts my Friend Request then I can tell my mates "Yes I DO know the Muffin man!". They'll be impressed.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

   I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask "Mother,what was war?" -Eva Merriam.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   A braille porn magazine has been launched ths week - complete with explicit raised text and pictures. At least this is one time where looking at porn won't make you go blind.

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   You may attract more flies with honey. But you also attract bears. And those things can rip you to shreds!